Magical Mystical Horses: Storm
Henry David Thoreau said, "Most men lead their lives in quiet desperation and go to the grave with the song still in them." The first time I heard this I thought, "Wow how depressing is that!" but those words continue to make an impact on me and serve as a sort of inspiration when I'm contemplating whether or not I want to go forward with this healing journey that I've started. It is definitely not for the faint of heart. As my friend, guide and support system here on this earth Sarah Charuk of Desert Awakenings tells me "it is a Hero's Journey" and I'm praying that I can be my own hero at some point, but not yet. I still need some help and thank God I have Sarah, the magical mystical horses and friends who just by being who they are give me strength and help me laugh at myself when I get too serious and then there's my Yoga. What a gift that has become in my life. Today was a day at Desert Awakenings. Sarah and the Horses were waiting for me when I got there. We had a rare break in the weather so it was actually kind of pleasant outside. The last time I was there I told Sarah that T.E.W.A. and Storm had been coming into my consciousness when I meditate or when I was particularly upset (which as you know has been like an erupting volcano). Things just seem so huge, my emotions and feelings. There have actually been times that I've felt physically like I was dying. The pain in my chest is so strong sometimes that it feels like being stabbed with a dagger and it goes straight through. So Sarah tells me that if I can sit with whatever I'm feeling instead of fighting it, acting impulsively or trying to create something to fix the pain it will move through with much more ease. Lately, it has even been difficult to breathe at times even in Yoga. I feel everything at such a visceral level. Sarah just knows what to do and where I'm at. So she said "choose which ever horse calls to you and I'll bring that horse out here (out of the corral) so you can feel comfortable and not so panicky." There wasn't even a moments hesitation "Storm" I said. But Sarah already knew that and had his grooming tools already laid on the table. As I started brushing Storm, I started to relax and could feel the knot in my chest start to ease up just a little then I looked at Storm's face and saw his lower lip quivering and that was it for me, yep I lost it. I knew at that second he felt my pain and was trying his best to take it from me and then I shut it off. I think I'm afraid of my own pain that somehow I won't make it back. Then Storm moved directly in front of me and started rubbing his head directly from my heart to my solar plexus. I didn't get it at first then Sarah told me, "see what he's doing, and where he's rubbing" and then I got it...Storm was trying to take the pain and then I really lost it. Every time I start to shut down in my heart Storm got restless and would need to move. The minute that I settled back into that space, Storm was quiet and we were connected. In that moment I felt the joy of being able to give love without fear to Storm to be able to truly love unconditionally. How incredible is that, such a gift! It's like holding a newborn. But somehow this was much more powerful. He didn't want anything from me, he didn't need anything he just wanted to be in that moment with me. Love, unconditional love who knew it could feel like this! I have always felt that I needed to BE or DO something in order to be loved because that is where the disconnect is. But that is what we do, those of us that have experienced being molested, sexually violated and abused. We shut down to protect ourselves and then often don't find the courage to deal with it because it's so painful. Where we come from we weren't allowed to feel these things and were told to "just get over it." I'm finding out that you can't get over it. You can hide it, stuff it and redecorate it anyway you want but it will show up in your life somehow. Because I've started this journey I am now a lot more aware of the responsibility I have for being the best version of me that I can be. That I do have a responsibility to not inflict that old garbage on the people I care about. That gives me hope and more than that I have the capacity of giving unconditional love, Wow! Thank you Storm today you were my Hero. As I'm getting ready to leave Desert Awakenings, I look at Grace (the mare) and I know I haven't connected with her at all, yet in a split second I know why. On my next visit I will share that insight with Sarah and see where it leads us but for today my friends it has been life changing and tremendously healing. Yep, I'm still crying and it's all good. Oh, in case you were wondering that awful pain in my chest is gone and is now filled with light and warmth.